I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
