dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
