FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
