Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're breaking my sexual little heart
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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