I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I didn't notice because vodka
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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