I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
