They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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