this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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