apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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