hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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