Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
