when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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