Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
