My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize