you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
