Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
