First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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