I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
