I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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