What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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