i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
