i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
