i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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