haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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