i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
