and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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