my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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