State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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