Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
