Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
