Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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