I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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