I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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