just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
