Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
