im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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