my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
