plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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