fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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