so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
