bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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