just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
