I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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