Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.