trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah