I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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