I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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