oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
