My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I still have a little drunk in my system
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
