i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
