There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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