He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
