I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
