TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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