Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
