The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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