I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
