You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
