john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
